Friday, April 18, 2008


"It has now been a month or so since my whole world has changed due to cataract surgery. I wake up every morning and marvel at things that I can see."

I've been trying to come up with a comparison to illustrate what I've been feeling the last month as my PMDD symptoms (anxiety, depression, etc) have decreased, and my world has become brighter.

At first, when I first started feeling the symptoms, it was frightening and I knew that something was wrong, and I could remember who I really am - not the crying frightened tired mistrusting wreck of a person I was at that moment. I could remember that life hadn't always been the way it felt to me then. I knew that my perspective was distorted (at least, each time I came out of the fog). But the longer I suffered from PMDD, the less I could remember what had been "normal" (normal as in healthy not "status quo"). I could sense "better" or "worse" but "normal" seemed far away and dreamlike. I began to wonder if I had just imagined that I'd been happy and energetic and passionate once - or if I'd always been like this...just hiding it better.

But the cataracts have come off my eyes, and everything is changed...brighter...more vibrant. I marvel everyday at the things I can feel. The love I feel for Dan is practically making me giddy. And I rest content and trusting in Dan's love for me. I enjoy eating again, and cooking, and smelling things. Flowers are more beautiful and goodness more tangible. My love of music has returned, and I sing and dance as I paint. Painting is creation now, not just a burden and a distraction. I laugh frequently and love how it feels in my body, and smiles comes easily and spontaneously to my lips. For so long, I smiled mostly when required by social custom, and it was always forced - even when sincere - and always difficult. I remember seeing a kind old man smile at me, and feeling my heart respond, but my lips were like stone.

The words of this description aren't very poetic, but what I feel today is. Every day I feel full of wonder, joy, and gratitude that today is a good day.


At 1:34 PM, Blogger Dan Dorman said...

Hooray! I am glad you have been feeling better!

Although this was also a sobering look at what you've been going through :(

I love you!

At 7:35 PM, Blogger D'Arcy said...

Wow, Marci, so good to see your blog that I chanced upon tonight...and wanting to connect with you again, but knowing that you've been in a dark place of late. I am so happy to see color returning to you! We shouldl take some pictures together sometime!

At 10:44 AM, Blogger yamsey said...

It is so scary how much a slight change in hormones can mess up our entire perspective on life. I had post partum depression after my second baby and it took us a year to figure out what was going on. Once we did, we took steps to correst the issue and I discovered again that life was worth living, not just surviving.
I am glad you are coming out of your own darkness and better able to enjoy your life and your family!

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Shasta said...

i'm glad you're feeling better. i love you.

At 9:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bah! Update!!

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Jamie said...

Marci- I don't know if you still have this blog...I stumbled on it the other day through many random events. Do you remember me? Your old mission comp. Sis. Anderson? I still miss your smile and our fun adventures in Williamsburg. Love you!


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