"I never said it wouldn't hurt you. I said it wouldn't kill you." The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis

I entitled my blog "A Road Less Traveled" after one of my favorite poems, and one that had become a bitter-sweet part of my life. The words of Robert Frost are a great comfort and a voice of warning. I love that he does not tell us which path to take; nor which is the "right" path -- just that the choices he made have made all the difference. Some choices are bigger than others, and you feel as if your life hangs in the balance of that choice. To quote a favorite movie, Spanglish: “I’m sorry. If you feel you’re at a crossroads…you are.”

I have recently passed through many heart-wrenching crossroads, and in desperation, I have wanted to cry out to God or someone else to take this choice away from me – either to choose for me or to make the problem just go away. But that didn’t happen. Maybe it cannot happen: God's work is our growth and agency is central to that. That is one of his greatest gifts to us, and is the only thing we can give back. To relinquish it is to become less than human.

Making choices. I have made so many lately. I have made heart-breaking choices to follow God, and heart-breaking choices that have lead me away from him. I have made choices to help, to be kind and loving, to be strong…and I have made choices that have hurt those I love, including myself.

I have been helped, though. Despite feeling very much alone, and feeling the burdens of all my choices crashing down upon me, I know that God is there…knowing, watching, understanding, holding me up.

I watched General Conference today and yesterday. Yesterday, all of the talks seemed to be gearing me up to make what was perhaps the hardest choice yet in my life. Today, feeling broken, alone, scared, feeling the terrible consequences of the choices that were right, though hard…and the terrible consequences of the choices that were so easy, but wrong, these were the words that came to me out of the darkness, spoken by Elder Holland of the Quorum of the twelve apostles:

(this is not an exact quote, but the best I could do, taking notes as faithfully as I could)

“I speak to those facing personal trials, to those trying to hold back the floodwaters of sorrow like a tsunami of the soul, to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair. The Savior said to those who believe and to those who are not so sure alike: ‘Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden and you shall find rest to your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’ He is saying: trust me, learn of me, do what I am doing…if you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness. I know of no other way for us to carry our burdens or to find happiness.”

“Whatever else you need to do, come first to the feet of Christ. He lifts us from the burden of our sin, our heartache, and our despair. Christ is the reason and the means to improve. You will find strength beyond your own. He has ‘graven [us] upon the palms of [his] hands.’ I promise you, after the price he had already paid – he will not turn his back on you now.”

“Please don’t give up. Please don’t give in to fear. Mark 5: 36 ‘Be not afraid, only believe.’ When the apostles found themselves in the midst of great tempests at sea, Peter called out to the Savior, whom they saw approaching the boat: “Bid me come unto thee…” He then, by the power of God, was able to walk on water. (My insert: Look at what was overcome through the power of Jesus Christ and faith on his name. What gulf lies between you and the savior that you must cross to come to him? Does it seem as impossible as walking on water?) However, when he began to look at the waves and the gulf beneath him, instead of looking at the savior…he began to sink, and called out to God: ‘save me’.”

There are times when we ask for miracles, assert our faith, and do our part in coming to him (though he makes it possible), and there are times when we are sinking, and we can do nothing, not even walk to him, except to plead, “save me”. I think that’s where I am.